When your own father is a bully and when Obesity is a crime.

10 years ago, when I started working as a cultural Interpreter in Social work and Health care, I’ve had the honour to work with hundreds of parents and children from the Arabic community.  Some families I have worked with for years and others I have met only once. I have witnessed endless stories and testimonials, some were happy stories but most of them were extremely sad, painful and too choking to believe that such atrocities exist (even in our own community).

One evening, I was called to meet a teenager and her mom. When I walked in the office, the young lady was seated with her hands around her waist. She was very beautiful, calm and polite. She tried to hide her pain behind a smile but I already knew that it won’t last much before her sad eyes let her tears wash her pale face.  Half her face was covered with her long blond hair and with the other eye, she looked at me and with a shaking voice she started relating what had happened to her.

“I was eating pie and my father tried to choke me […]”.

The only “crime” of this smart and beautiful young lady is the size of her body and her sweet tooth. On that day, when Layal came back home from school, she sat at the table and was eating pie. Her father came back earlier than expected. He opened the door and the first thing he saw is his daughter eating that pie. He got very angry and lost his temper.  He ran to her and instead of using his hands and arms to hug his girl, he actually started shocking her. Mom who was busy in the other room heard her daughter’s battle trying to physically escape from her own father. Mom came to the rescue and the young lady came to us seeking help and not wanting to ever go back home.

People need to be aware that bullying doesn’t happen only in schools and at work place. Bullying happens even in our homes. Layal was bullied by her father and abused emotionally, psychologically and physically. She was constantly humiliated and reminded of how “fat and obese” she is. He would tell her things like: “Look at yourself. Look in the mirror; can’t you see how ugly you are? How fat you are? Who’s going to look at you?  You will never find love. You will never achieve much with this body”. Layal was scared to eat in front of her father. She would eat only when he’s not around. Sometimes, she would lock herself in her room to eat.

When you love someone and care for them, you should never put them down or humiliate them. The wisest thing to do in a similar situation is perhaps to ask yourself many questions as a parent who sees changes In their children. Find solutions together. Observe, listen more and talk less. Be patient, gentle and kind. You should encourage your kids to feel good about themselves and to live a healthier lifestyle by making changes to your diet as a family, by doing more activities together. Go out together for a long walk, for a hike or even join a gym with your kid and do things together to not make the other feel as an outsider or as the one who has a problem. You should be a role model to your family and a leader; not a bully or the abuser.

To anyone who actually “dares” to tell another person: “Look at yourself in the mirror, look at how fat you are”; I would strongly encourage you to look at yourself in the mirror and reflect on the ugliness and the cruelty of your own words.

I’m sure that many people (men and women, girls and boys) will recognise themselves in this story. Sadly we are living in a society that has an extreme opinion and views about beauty and looks. What most people do not understand is that anyone who’s suffering from their weight issues are indeed “suffering”, they are dealing with many issues, some are depressed, others are abused, some are lonely and isolated, others are seen as failures, others have mental health issues, some have some serious health issues and problems with their self-esteem .... and the reasons are just too many.  Thousands if not millions are suffering of bulimia, of different eating disorders such as emotional or compulsive eating. At one point in my life,until very recently, me too, I was an emotional eater. In the middle of my own storm and struggles, I found “comfort” in food. But shortly after  this feeling of satisfaction is quickly replaced by guilt and sickness. Not everyone is lucky enough to open their eyes and realize what’s happening to them. So bullying my friends, (even those “innocent” comments and looks) that we sometime throw at the other about their looks, isn’t helping at all!

Rest assured, that  no one, no one wants or wishes to be overweight. All they want, is some respect, understanding, love and support. If you can’t do any of this to help the other, then I beg you, to remain silent and far away.

Note: To protect the teenager's identity, I used a fictional name.  

Walk in peace,

Nermine Barbouch